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Moms can be pretty amazing and as I spend more time remembering moments with mine, I am realizing things she did for me that I never recognized at the time. I wish I could have told her thank you for so many things. I wish she could have been here for when I got older and started appreciating her more. I love my mom and that’s something I’ve rarely been able to feel. But I do and I wish I had been more clear about that all along.
Just got home from work because I decided to stay after all. The thing is, we are running VERY short staffed right now because I have been working diligently with human resources to get rid of some dead weight and negative attitudes and it’s finally paying off. This means I’ve basically turned into a teller and have had to put in a drawer every day to help out. This doesn’t change my job responsibilities though so I end up tackling all of my normal work after we close at 5, hence the late nights. Anyway, I’ve been getting very frustrated lately with the workload, lack of leadership from upper management, lack of teamwork from my team and business partners, I could go on and on.
This is when it really sucks to be the manager. Because you don’t get to be mad and frustrated and have a negative attitude. You don’t get to vent and throw up your hands and say screw it. You have to find a way to motivate yourself and your team. To keep everyone engaged despite the bullshit and the stress. And sometimes that can be really difficult. But tonight I stuck it out and I put in my headphones to listen to an audio book of Winning, by Jack Welch, and I put in a few very focused hours to get some stuff accomplished. And you know what? I didn’t tackle anything on my list. I grabbed a few things my team has been struggling with and I knocked those out instead. I prepped for tomorrow and got what they’ll need ready for them when they come in. Then I went to the store and got a bunch of thank you cards and candy/snacks and made them cellophane bags of treats and left them on their desks.
Because no matter how many hours I log, I can not accomplish what my team can if they’re engaged and motivated and feeling appreciated. Sometimes being a manager really sucks but there’s never a good excuse for letting down your team.
Today is officially my last day!
They offered me a 15% increase to stay, but the new position will be almost a 25% increase. Well, 20% right away and an additional 5% after 30 days. Weird, but I’m cool with it. So anyway, it’s more $ at the new job and I’m taking it.
I told my team this morning and they all looked like I’d just slapped them :/ I invited them all over for a post-holiday party in two weeks at my place and that perked them up a little. Meep! Now that’s it’s official I feel so relieved but I’m still a little nervous.
Oh, and I will be starting on the 21st so I have THREE WHOLE WEEKS OFF!! I haven’t had that much time off ever. I am stoked.
You shouldn’t love me because I am not as good of a person as everyone seems to think I am. I have a fickle heart and run from one extreme to the next. I am selfish and insecure and full of doubt. I have this insatiable need to feel loved and it causes me to become too clingy at times and dejected when I feel the slightest threat of distance. I am an emotional vampire and will drain you of all that is pure, but you will not realize it until you finally walk away.
You cannot save me and you cannot be there for me just to prove you’re the exception. Because if you try, you will end up drowning in the process as I lean so heavily against you that you can no longer support yourself. I am telling you this because I love you and because I know you deserve better.
I realize I am different and I will enchant you with my attention. With my fun questions and nonstop compliments and at times I will be so happy that you will get high from my joy and laughter but I am telling you now that it will not last. I will switch and withdraw and you will do anything to make me smile and bring back the magic I possess when I am filled with happiness. I realize how addictive I am when I am light and airy and I will give you that as much as I can, until I am empty and have nothing left to offer. And I realize that without that bliss, I have no magic. I have nothing special within me. I will become so desperate and afraid of losing you that I will cling to all that is giving and decent within you and I will use you to claw my way out of darkness again and again but it will leave me exhausted and leave you with bruises and scars from my desperate grasps. Those moments of magic are not worth the battles you will face with the hungrier parts of me.
I need you more than you need me, can you not see that? I will drag you down with me and you will not realize you are drowning by trying to save me until it is too late.
I love you more than you realize and you have to be strong enough to walk away because I am not strong enough to let go.