Close your eyes, clear your heart, let it go...


I have gotten a lot of questions about my relationship with Matt over the past couple of days so I decided to just write it all out and actually leave it up this time. Throughout the past year, I have written hundreds of posts about him and what was happening in our relationship but as I tend to do with personal posts, I deleted them a few days later. If you have been following me since the beginning, then you already know most of the story. If not, here it is:

I met Matt 3 years ago at a wedding. He had flown in from Texas to be the best man at one of his childhood friend’s weddings and I was friends with the bride. The connection was instant and I was thinking, “It’s too bad he lives in Texas!” He ended up finding me on myspace (yeah, myspace…i know) and then facebook. We would IM quite a bit and then he finally asked for my phone number and the calls started. 

For 8 months those phone calls never stopped. He would call me in the morning and we would talk while we both got ready for work/school. As soon as we were out for the day, the phone call would continue throughout the entire night (I think our record call was 11 hours but they were typically 4-5). We talked about anything and everything and to be honest, I think long distance relationships have a stronger foundation because of this. You’re not just going to a movie or hanging out, you’re learning their history and how they react to situations, their dreams and their fears, and their littlest thoughts on everyday life.

We would alternate visits during this time (I live in Michigan and he was still in Texas). Then one day, he surprised me with a visit and I was estatic. Even more so when I saw his truck behind him packed with everything he owned. He had decided that morning that he was tired of waiting for the situation to be perfect, and he had quit his job and driven 20hrs to be there. I remember standing there, shocked and in awe of this man who had just moved across the country for me. That is one of my happiest memories and I hope I never forget how loved I felt when he smiled and wrapped his arms around me.

The next year was unbelievable. We did everything together and yet never ran out of things to talk about. I don’t know that I can explain exactly how perfect Matt was for me. All of those little ‘quirks’ that irritate someone just fit perfectly with us. I get pouty when I’m sleepy and he always found it cute and would poke fun at me but would still cater to my every whim. I get quiet when I’m upset but he would never let it go…he would just keep apologizing for random completely outrageous things until I would laugh and give in and tell him what he had done that had upset me. He hated mornings and I would shower him with tiny little kisses all over his face until he would smile and grab me and finally wake up. Life was honestly perfect. 

Matt proposed to me one night and I’m actually not going to share those details because they’re so personal to me. But that night was the best of my entire life and I don’t know that anything will ever top it.

Four months after he proposed, he left. When I say left, I mean I came home and all of his things were gone and he was on his way back to Texas. Don’t understand what happened? I didn’t either. It came out of nowhere…nothing had changed, there hadn’t been a single sign leading up to this. He just left.

I went out of my mind, I honestly did. I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t answer. He said that he needed time and that’s all he would say. I didn’t understand what in the world had happened and I would just sit there, completely lost. The only thing that kept me sane was Elisa, a random girl on tumblr would had started talking to me and had a surprisingly similar situation happening to her. I would not have made it through that time without her.

Matt asked if we could try to be friends and at that point I agreed because I needed him to at least be talking to me in some way. That lasted exactly one day before I poured out all of my feelings and told him that I don’t want to be friends, I want to be ‘us’ and I didn’t understand anything that was going on. Cue being ignored for another two weeks. I was so mad and frustrated and scared and lost for months after he left. I still don’t fully understand what happened.

Little by little we started talking again and he said that he had woken up and taken a look around at our life and realized that he wasn’t ready for everything to be so finalized. So he left. Even after discussing everything that he was thinking/feeling during this time, I still don’t understand and I don’t know that he does either. Anyway, he had apologized and we were back to talking all day again and I started to get my hopes up that things were going to go back to normal. And they semi did. I was hesitant but happy and he was acting like his old self again. But there was always this little nagging thought in my mind that he had just left before, what would stop him from doing it again? Not to mention that he was still in Texas.

For the first time in our relationship, I hesitated. I hesitated to ask why he was still in Texas. I hesitated to ask if he wanted our old life back. Before he had left, I had 100% confidence in myself and in our relationship…I would tell him anything without fear of the response or of being judged. Now I was scared that I would push him away or that he wouldn’t be ready for what I was asking. Basically, his leaving changed the dynamic of our relationship.

We were back and forth for months and I am certain that everyone reading my story on tumblr was frustrated by the flip flopping I posted about. Then one day I checked his facebook (I deleted mine) and saw that he had changed his relationship status to “in a relationship” and again, I went crazy. I had no idea and blah blah blah. A month or so later, he changed it back to single and that’s when he really started pursuing me again. He said that he thought he needed to be with someone else to see what else was out there but that once he had done that, he realized what we had and stupid he was to ever let it go. He apologized so many times that I got sick of hearing it and he told me everything I had been dying to hear for almost a year. But that’s the thing…he kept telling me all of this, but he was still in Texas. The only thing it would have taken for me to say yes, would be for him to show up on my door. But he didn’t. And that’s when I realized that so much had changed that the ‘us’ I so desperately wanted, was not the same anymore. I was jealous, insecure, hesitant, and he was not proving his love to me…he was just saying it. So I did the hardest thing I ever had…I said no. I said a lot more, but it basically came down to no, I was not willing to do this again. We had been back and forth for a year and too much had changed between us. 

I don’t know if you can understand that unless you’ve been in a similar situation. I still want that ‘us’ back. We were perfect. But what he was offering wasn’t the same thing that we had. I don’t know how to better explain it :/

He didn’t really give up and for the past couple of months we have still been talking almost daily (though not in the same way). I finally thought that maybe we could be friends one day. 

Then yesterday he told me that he has a girlfriend and that his girlfriend is 8 weeks pregnant.

Do you now understand my shock?

I am so angry at him right now and I am so lost. I guess in some way, I thought it would always be him and I. That after everything settled down, he would wake up and realize that in order to change my mind, I need him HERE. I needed him to prove it to me. And instead, this is what happened. And now he is going to live the life we have always talked about with someone else. He is going to have a child with this girl. He is going to have a family with someone other than me. He is going to be excited at the doctors visit when he finally gets to see his baby. He is going to kiss her after the delivery and they are going to share this family for the rest of their lives. He has taken all of our dreams and handed them to her. 

Where does this leave me? What do I do now? I can’t even think straight. I can’t breathe when I think about it. I can’t focus on anything. I feel completely empty.


179 notes

  1. thequietnight reblogged this from creatingaquietmind
  2. janerdd reblogged this from creatingaquietmind and added:
    this is one of the saddest things i’ve ever read on the internet. i’m not sure what i would do even.
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